Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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