i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
