you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
