I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Less talking, more tequila
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
