i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
