Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
The Olympian is in my bed
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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