I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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