I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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