It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
