i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
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