I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
