I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Randomize
