Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
