win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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