The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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