I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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