just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I'm just crazy horny about you
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
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