I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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