I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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