So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
