Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
