I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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