i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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