***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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