I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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