On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
