dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
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