we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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