I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
