and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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