I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
