I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I'm getting married
To pizza
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Randomize
