remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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