Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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