i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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