I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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