if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
FUCK WHALES
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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