We're like a lot better than the average bears
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
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