I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
