everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
