so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
