There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Randomize
