You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
