2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
