I could make wine with my vomit
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Randomize
