i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
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