"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
