We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
You smell like a Billy Joel song
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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