DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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