she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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