My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
