Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
