The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
