you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
