i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Randomize
