the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
