the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize
