I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
