the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
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