I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Randomize
