I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
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