The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
