bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
